The Mirage of Identity
Our social world in the 21st century
Fit in and survive, or stand out and die.
Every single person on Earth cares deeply about what other people think of them. It’s embedded in our nature; a survival instinct that has served us since our earliest days.
In the Neolithic Age (aka back when humans lived in tribes), being liked or not could mean the difference between life and death. Being a part of a tribe was crucial for survival as it meant protection and food when both were scarce. Social acceptance ensured survival which meant that fitting in wasn’t just a preference, it was a survival strategy.
While this trait emerged out of necessity back then, we still carry this impulse today. Civilization has advanced rapidly over the past 10,000 years, but our biology hasn’t kept pace. We still crave social approval and have a paralyzing fear of being disliked, and now it’s being played out in a new arena: social media.
We now live in an era where social media not only rules, but shapes our social landscape. It’s now real life, woven into the fabric of our culture. Online and offline have merged. This is our new world. In the past, how people viewed us was beyond our control. We were who we presented ourselves to be in the flesh, out there in the wild, vulnerable to the dynamics of reality and the unpredictability of human interaction. But today, the power is in our hands. We hold the pen and paper, and we write the script.
Have you ever met someone who acted one way in real life, but seemed completely different on social media? And the moment you discovered their profile, your opinion of them changed? Maybe they came across as shy, reserved, and maybe even a little antisocial and boring when you first met them, but their instagram is full of group photos, parties, and “fun” hangouts. Suddenly, they didn’t seem so antisocial and boring anymore. Or maybe someone appeared totally normal with normal behavior, appearance, and attitude, until you scrolled through their profile and realized they’re actually…kind of weird. Perception shifted.
This is what social media empowers us to do. It’s a tool that allows us to exert control over how we’re perceived. By carefully curating our instagram1, we’re able to craft our own narrative, and in doing so, shape how others view us. This is why people obsess over their social media (and dating app) profiles. This is why people spend hours taking photos, then selecting and editing them to perfection, writing and re-writing captions, archiving & unarchiving posts, and spending way too much time choosing the right song to go along with their posts (when most people have their phone on silent mode to begin with lol).
Our social media profiles are the one corner in the social world we occupy that we have complete command over. It’s the one space where we get to call all the shots. We get to choose what we want to show and what we want to hide. We choose the identity that we want others to see. We tell the story. But having this power, this control, is driving people nuts. And it’s made us even more obsessed with our image to an unhealthy degree. So much so that many reach a point where they don’t control their instagram. It controls them.
I’ve noticed a recurring pattern among my friends, acquaintances, and peers (I’m 23 btw, so I’m referring to the cohort of gen-z kids). When people are going through it, one of the first actions they take is deactivating their instagram account or deleting the app off their phone. And if you ask why, you’ll often hear, “f**k instagram” or “i hate social media”. But it’s not that they actually hate it. It’s that they hate their relationship with it. They hate how much they care about it. They hate how much influence it has on their social world. They hate how it makes them obsess over their own image. And they hate that it too often turns from a tool for connection and expression into a weapon of self-destruction.
The illusion of social media is that it gives us a false sense of control over how we’re perceived. It’s a blank page. An empty canvas. Within the bounds of photos, videos, and captions, we get to decide who we are and what our life looks like. But the thing is, we’re far too complex to be reduced to a series of photos captured at the perfect moments, with captions that show that we’re interesting, funny, thoughtful, or smart. When we reduce our existence to a set of photos & videos on a profile that lack situational and informational context, of course we’re going to be confused. We’ve spent more time with our online selves than with our real selves! It’s another, more subtle version of audience capture.2
This also touches on a core aspect of the human condition. Our relationship with identity and the question of: who are we?
Identity is an interesting thing. Is it just a name? A face? Is it what you do for work? Is it who you’re friends with? Who your family is? The city you came from? Is it your beliefs? Your values? Your appearance? Is it your instagram? What makes you, you? Who are you, really?
There’s been a recent trend of asking ChatGPT, “Based on my profile, what kind of person do you think I am”? That is the core of what I’m getting at. People don’t just see their instagram as an online profile, they see it as an extension of their identity, and ultimately as a mirror that reflects it. We’re so worried and obsessed with what vibe our posts give off that we need a robot to tell us how we come across to other humans.
In a way, in our overly digitalized society in the 21st century, you aren’t just who you are in real life. You are who you are online. This is the game that we, as a society, have succumbed to. This is the arena now. Wanna play?
Thanks for reading!
I specifically used Instagram as the main example in this essay because I believe it’s done the most harm to our generation’s self-worth and relationship with identity. But this issue isn’t unique to Instagram, it also extends to other social media platforms where people might obsess over their profiles - Facebook, X, LinkedIn, etc.
Audience capture refers to a phenomenon where someone (usually a content creator, celebrity, etc) gradually alters their behavior, opinions, or content to align with the expectations and preferences of their audience, often to gain or keep popularity. Here’s a wonderful essay by Gurwinder illustrating why it can be so dangerous.
Very well said 👏